I can't really pinpoint the feeling. For lack of a better word, I am scared. As we begin to prepare for the arrival of our second child, I am hesitant about the changes our family will undergo in the coming months. I am thrilled about the precious miracle that I am carrying. I worry about Princess Pigtails and how these impending changes will affect her. I pray that she will adjust quickly and that God will grant us wisdom in helping her through the adjustment period. She has such a tender heart and I want her to understand that our love for her will not change. And yet the dynamic will be different. And I feel guilty.
This baby's childhood will be different. We will be reaching for a balance that we have not experienced. Different better? I'm not sure. I know that this child will be blessed to have a darling big sister such as Princess Pigtails. I'm sure that many of the insecurities I had as a first time Mom will be diminished. But perhaps replaced by new fears and anxieties.
There is a gap between the mother I want to be and the mother I am most days. As I continue to submit these things to God, I feel some ease and comfort. But the concerns still linger. A lifelong struggle perhaps.