Not Now

A little over a year ago, I wrote a post about our decision to put our home on the market in hopes of moving closer to DH's job and our family. We had prayed about it considerably and the timing felt right.  I just KNEW that it was right.  Winter faded into spring and spring into the warmth of summer.  Now the crispness of the morning air lingers more with each passing day.  And the nearly barren trees witness the house off the market and us waiting. Shows how much I know!

The decision to cancel our listing had been coming for some time.  There were moments when we were ready to pull the plug, and a small flicker of hope would glimmer and a tiny flurry of sudden activity would catch us by surprise only to see any possibility wane. I have been left frustrated, not necessarily because of the process or the economy but because it is obvious that God is saying "Not now."  I've cried many tears in prayer begging for understanding.  I know what a considerably shorter commute for DH would mean to our family.  It breaks my heart when Princess Pigtails declares that she wishes we had "more time  (with Daddy) at night", because my soul is saying "amen".  I feel caught and twisted in the guilty reality that we are truly blessed and yet some how I long for more.  We have a beautiful home, my husband has a fantastic job which he loves and God has blessed us beyond measure.

The life of faith calls us into a trusting of the Unseen in all circumstances.  To rest in faith is to know that God is in control and is able to "do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us" (Ephesians 3:20).  So I suppose it is the sinful nature of my humanity that causes the desire to lie on the floor and pound my fists, to ask why our home couldn't be the one to sell for full asking or before even hitting the market, why couldn't our home have been the one for XYZ family.  There are examples all around me...and yet when I take a deep breath, when I can begin to get my head and my heart on the same page I know it is because God is saying "not now". Not "never" but "not now".  I know that God's timing is perfect and so the struggle continues. 

With each day I have to consciously give it over to God--to literally acknowledge that "this is in YOUR hands".  I have struggled, cried and done all that I can only to find myself at literal definition of the phrase "out of my control". When the questions begin to come, I am learning to turn that into prayer.  Because there is only One with the answers to the questions that bubble out. I wish I could say that the answers have been revealed, that daily I feel the disconnect shrinking between my brain (what I know the Gospel says, what I know to be true from experience) and my heart (my manic emotions).  But the gap is still there.  I choose to be thankful that the Lord covers that void.  With each day I choose to believe the promise held in Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." That give me hope for today and it is enough. 

1 comment:

Jen L. said...

Good for you, Mama! It's always wonderful to find someone who isn't afraid to put her faith out there for all to see! And I love Jer. 29:11, too. It's such a verse of hope!

I want to encourage you to read what comes BEFORE that verse, too. It's when God is saying to the exiles in Babylon basically, "Bloom where I've planted you. You'll come back to where you want to be, but NOT NOW."

Blessings to you!